Nervous, uncomfortable, and anxious are three particularly good descriptors for how I was feeling at my first ever transformational workshop. September 25, 2009 saw the beginning of my journey of self discovery and personal healing. I attended a Kelly Tobey Transformational Workshop in Edmonton with approximately 25 – 30 other people. The focus of that workshop was “Communicate Your Essence” and it was all about breaking through childhood and adult trauma to find the true essence of who we are beneath the fears, hurts, and angers.
That weekend, surrounded by a room full of strangers, I bared my soul and heard others bare theirs. It was an experience of connection I never thought possible with so many strangers. There we all were, under the guidance and encouragement of our workshop leader, digging deep into our thoughts, emotions, and our pain and sharing the hurt with others in a supportive and accepting environment. Wow! Who knew it was okay to ugly cry in front of strangers, anywhere other than a funeral?
Some people were there to receive positive reinforcement with addiction recovery. Some people were there to find new connection with their spouse. Some were there to gain more self confidence, and some were there to heal past wounds. I signed up to attend with the hopes of gaining a better understanding of why I felt the way I felt about myself. Boy was I surprised at all the things I unravelled that weekend. I had no idea I had built so many protective walls around myself until I found people trying to get over and around them to what I did not even know was underneath!
The exercises we were asked to do individually centered around journaling our emotional experiences in relation to some significant events in our lives. Then we would break those emotions down to pinpoint why those emotions were the ones we felt at those specific times. We worked in our small groups on trust, forgiveness, and communication exercises. We worked in large groups on sharing our experiences relevant to topics our workshop leader guided us through.
This weekend brought to light just how deeply impacted my life had been by the thoughts and emotions stored in my subconscious about being adopted as an infant. I learned the origin of my lack of confidence, my inability to accept praise without feeling it was false, and my ever-present sense of incompleteness… always searching for something “missing”.
Since that weekend in 2009, I have worked with psychologists, taken courses, worked at different jobs, and spent hours and hours discussing life with friends and family in the hopes of resolving the unending search for the missing “something”. My breakthrough finally came when I took my Reiki Healing training. Through Reiki, I was able to connect my conscious mind to my subconscious mind and resolve a few false truths that have lived in my subconscious for years. My subconscious belief that I am not worthy of love has proven disastrous in some important personal relationships over the years. My subconscious belief that I am stupid had limited me in my educational goals, career success, and confidence to pursue greater things in life.
After years of digging deep and self realization exercises, here I am today, able to say something I never could have said in early 2009… I am worthy of being loved. I am an intelligent, strong, and loving woman. I may not be perfect, but I am perfectly okay. I can have bad days. I can also have good days. Finally, I am now unstoppable when I decide to achieve something. I have the willingness and confidence to succeed. I am successful and feel completely loved by my family and the Universe.
If I can give a single gift to any one person, it would be the gift of my lessons in personal discovery and healing. If I can share even one idea or one concept or one life changing tool with one person that will eliminate one day of their hurt or feelings of being lost or stuck in life, my journey has been worth it.
Best way to make the most of life: Learn it. Do it. Teach it. It’s all about balance, Baby!